Consequences for Kids and how to NOT cause major abandonment issues in childhood
It’s one of the hard-but-must-do parts of parenting - the part where you set consequences for kids.
But too many kids in our generation were left alone and dejected by your parents as a punishment, which can create significant abandonment issues further down the road.
This post will share how you can set consequences for your kids as a gentle parent which create connection rather than disconnection, love and empathy rather than (as much) frustration; and relationship rather than rebellion - for the most part. (Let’s face it, there is never any parenting advice which fits all children, or all families for that matter. But, here I share some thoughts and strategies around this, for mums who really need some support in their gentle parenting journey.
How to set healthy consequences for kids as a gentle parent - and not cause abandonment issues as they grow! #gentleparenting #mumwellbeing #emotionalhealing #consequencesforkids #happykids
Consequences for kids are important for their healthy development and emotional health - and we can never fully predict how anybody ‘feels’ our actions
We can never predict the way in which someone else ‘takes’ what we do. And we can never really see the things that create trauma, through other people’s eyes - because what is perceived as trauma to one person, might not be to another (in the cases of those small, consistent things that happen in our lives - I’m not talking about the ‘big T’ traumas!) But these principles will help you build a healthier relationship with your child - even when you need to implement consequences.
Some consequences do not support ongoing emotional health
Do you remember being sent to your room when you were little? Or even seeing a brother or sister get the same treatment?
Some kids are shouted at, shamed, hit, given consequences that are far and away too harsh for something they did - and can damage a child’s self-esteem for a very long time, if we aren’t careful.
While many consequences have been a parenting tool for many years, it is so important that we implement consequences in ways that:
Enhance the parent/child relationship (over time, it may feel a little disconnecting at that moment)
Build the connection within relationships - and this is done using empathy.
So how do we set consequences for kids which don’t ruin our relationships with our kids long-term, or diminish respect between us?
As an emotional coach and gentle parenting consultant, I regularly get to help parents with their own emotional health - and start to make a difference between how they were parented, and how they want to parent now. While everybody wants to make changes when we have our own kids, some mums grew up in emotionally, mentally or physically traumatic conditions - and while they are now with their own safe, loving family; certain things can come up as triggers from their own childhood - and really make gentle parenting decisions and experiences hard to navigate.
let’s address this first: Some of you don’t know what a respectful parent/child relationship actually looks like.
Imagine you’re going fishing for the first time. But, you’ve literally never been. You know you might need to take a fishing rod, and some bait. But, you literally don’t know how to get the practical elements to work together - like putting line onto the rod you bought, how to tie knots, anything about sinkers, bait, lures - and how on earth will you actually get the fish off the hook if you catch one? (I’ve been there before - they’re slippery things, fish!)
You get the idea - and many of us are not trained in the practicalities of parenting. Like, how do we practice respectful parenting when they just will not do what we ask them to? What does real, practical parenting look like when you’re doing it ‘right’? And, does this guarantee that your child will turn out OK?
No, it doesn’t mean that. But it does meant that you will have done everything possible to build your relationship with your child - and remain the actual mother in the relationship, as you should.
Setting consequences for kids does not mean you are not a gentle parent.
Everyone needs to learn through consequences - look at many young people these days, whose parents were unsure how to implement them properly - or even didn’t at all.
In my humble opinion, using life-giving consequences means we can start to acclimatise our kids to real life, when they are younger. So, real-life consequences in a kid’s world. For instance, if you don’t pick up your stuff when I ask you to, it will get wet when it rains - and then you’ll have to wear wet shoes!
Or, if you decide to continue to speak to Mum rudely, after a warning, you will find yourself doing a job around the house, or missing out on something you want. Also, Mum won’t be hanging around in the same space as you right now, until you change your attitude.
Because rather than allow disrespectful behaviour to be shown back, good parents will gently (but firmly) teach their children that this is something that brings some discomfort, in the form of whatever they don’t want to happen.
Giving limits for how You live ‘in your house’ is FINE.
Your house, your home, is yours. If everyone is being shown love, and looked after to the best of your ability, you are not being a bad parent if your house rules are different to other families’. It’s OK to not have a ‘stay up night’ for each kid weekly, like my household, if it simply doesn’t work for your family.
It’s not WHAT you do that is the key; it’s HOW you do it with your family.
If you play billiards or pool like in our household, that can be a fun, uplifting and competitive game that brings the family together. Or, it could be a game that causes arguments and major put-downs, which of course does the complete opposite. It’s all about how you do it, and the way your family speaks to each other, that is the key.
Using a firm, no-nonsense voice can be a strength sometimes.
There is such a thing as ‘righteous anger’. Jesus had righteous anger when he was angry at people using His temple for profit, in John 2, in the Bible.
But as a parent, we are constantly told not to be angry, to be calm, and so on.
Let me say this loudly for the people in the back: It’s OK TO BE ANGRY sometimes! But it’s not OK to take that anger out harshly and unfairly. Like I teach parents to teach their kids in The Emotionally Equipped Child simple ecourse (which has emotional intelligence activities for small kids/parents and learning info for parents, available here), it’s OK to be angry.
Pushing anger down can be extremely unhelpful for your nervous system and your coping skills going forward. It’s NOT a good idea to hold it in - but you can learn to control the release of it, more effectively. So, instead of screaming at your child, try this:
Lower your voice (I imagine mine going deeper into my chest, because I need to push that somewhere, then push it OUT into the deeper, more powerful voice.)
Concentrate on the SOLUTION, not the problem at that moment. So, don’t say more than ‘STOP’ as a negative, especially for small kids (older kids might be a couple more words)- then use your deep voice to share a positive change. For instance, if your child was about to cut his sister’s hair with scissors (yes, we’ve all been there), it’s ‘Stop! Pop them on the shelf, I need you to help me build this in a better way!’
Or, for older kids, it might be: ‘Stop. That’s enough. It’s ten minutes until Debra’s mum picks you up for that playdate. Let’s get you ready.’
Standing in your own power, and using your anger in that way, means you can start to really channel your frustration into better things. However, this isn’t to say that you can never tell your child off, though. Of course we all have to do this sometimes - and they do need to feel our disappointment and frustration sometimes.
So what consequences for kids can we use for healthy, respectful parenting - that don’t cause abandonment issues?
Firstly, most kids grow up with some form of trauma. Even mine will - and I don’t love that idea - but you, like me, are kidding yourself if you think you are the perfect parent. Nobody is perfect except God - and what kind of example would our kids be trying to live up to, if we were perfect? Unrealistic. Here are a few consequences, arranged by age group, that have worked for me and many of my clients:
Toddlers, age 2-3:
Sitting them on your lap and ‘holding’ them there for 20 seconds, no matter how much they try to get away. (squirmy toddlers hate this one, but it’s pretty effective! Don’t hurt them, though!)
Preschoolers: 3.5-5:
Time in - sit them down in a space in the room you’re in; but let them know that as they go, they will not be able to keep playing until they finish their time there. It’s only a couple minutes, so the earlier age group is still learning this. Get a timer and sit them down. Sit with them, if you have to - but remember it’s not a ‘fun’ experience, but boring!
School age: 6-9
Sit them down. ‘Sit right there!’ This is a continuation of the Time In strategy, and you need to be FIRM with it. It will not hurt your child to sit on the floor for 5 minutes! Give them their fidget and get them to sit down and calm down, right now. “I will not put up with that in our house! Sit here, now.’
Take away something they were using inappropriately. (This is really for any age. If your toddler is throwing blocks at your head, move the toddler or the blocks.)
School age 10-12:
This is when screen time reductions come in; bedtime reductions and so on.
Cleaning something in the house before being able to do something they want. (My response to my kids: ‘I have a thousand jobs, and you were just so rude to me! Therefore, you’re helping me with a couple of my jobs first, because I don’t want to be treated disrespectfully, and this might help you remember next time. You’re better than that, I know.’)
Something to remember, whenever you are setting consequences for kids
You are not setting consequences to ‘get your own back’ on your children. This is revenge-thinking, and extremely toxic to the parent/child relationship. In order to implement consequences and still build the parent/child relationship, you need to show them that you actually care, too. You care that they are going through this, and that they are learning - and you want to help them.
Your kids should feel like you are not (always) just some lady who wants to make their life hard, although they will probably think or say that at some point. It’s important that you show up for them when things are rough - and sometimes that means while they are cleaning the floor for you, to rinse the mop for them while they catch their breath. Consequences are not punishment, not intended for harm, but intended to gently teach our kids how to behave.
All of the consequences above do not implement ‘banishing’ behaviours
Basically, we want our kids to know that we are available for them, especially if they are having an emotional moment. We are helping our kids, even our teens, with their emotional development and regulation - which is hard to do from behind a door. (Teens are potentially still possible, because they are less movement-based than younger kids, who need the physical support much of the time to actually ‘hear’ the emotional support.)
So, if your kid puts themselves in their room in an angry state, that’s OK - just check in on them after 5 mins or so. But, I never send my kids to their rooms as a consequence, simply because it creates a divide that I never wanted, and never intend to create between us.
If You Want To Find Out About What I Do To Help You Build Emotional Health and Gentle Parenting skills….
Help Mums find freedom from emotional stress and overwhelm
Ask questions, (lots of them) and every.single.client.so.far has had ‘Aha’ moments through the sounding-board effect of coaching with me,
Go through emotional embodiment practices to help you actually feel and process the emotions that are ‘stuck’ or that you keep trying to escape from (when you are ready, always)
Offer strategies around parenting (I have been coaching parents for over 5 years, and bring my teaching professional expertise to this)
I do this all via my Zoom consults, soon to be in-person consults offered too in the Geelong, Australia, area - but online to most places!
So don’t be stuck, because whether or not it’s myself, there are people out there who can help you with your emotional wellbeing, overwhelm and the huge stress that can occur in body and mind when you have a new baby and/or kids and all the other things we deal with as Mamas!
Listen Now!
The Mum Wellbeing Podcast is an empowering, informative and thought-provoking podcast for tired mums who just want to feel peace. Miranda shares wellbeing advice, emotional regulation, mum guilt and much, much more for both yourself and your parenting. Listen now>>>
