How to Stop Sibling Rivalry Early
Sibling rivalry is something that many parents find themselves dealing with..
We all want to learn how to stop sibling rivalry, right?
It is completely normal and varies between children, but it can be so annoying!
Sibling rivalry is something many parents face, often numerous times throughout their parenting life.
With the current pandemic, many people are locked inside their homes with children who are also living in each other’s space.
This may increase the rate of sibling rivalry in your home exponentially.
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As a parent, however, we need to be doing all we can to minimise this, because:
-The fighting often turns to name-calling.
Remember that post about ‘What parents should NEVER do”? Words that a frustrated sibling says might ALSO be truly taken to heart and become part of a child’s ‘inner voice’.
- Family home life is the vehicle and space where our children learn about the world and how to interact with others.
Clearly, sibling rivalry is one of the first and longest ‘conflicts’ for our children.
-Lastly, it is so frustrating as a parent.
And to be honest, will probably be more so as the world is in a time of social distancing and isolation. (There are other reasons, but we’ll stop here!)
So how do we stop sibling rivalry?
Before we start, just know that a small amount of rivalry is not a bad thing sometimes. Having a little competition can be fun and motivating for children (and adults).
However if this rivalry becomes consistent and focused, it can do more harm than good.
1: No Favouritism
First of all, we want to make sure that we don’t favour one child over the other.
The importance of this cannot be stressed enough.
It’s normal for us as parents to ‘identify’ with our children in different ways, but playing favourites with our kids creates resentment in the other children.
Think back to a time when you felt (or knew) that your parents favoured a sibling, or a teacher favoured another student.
It’s not a nice feeling, is it?
Keeping things equal is very important for children (age-appropriate differences are fine, however. Keeping both your 15 year old and your 8 year old up until 9:30pm may not be a good idea!)
It can be a bit ridiculous at times (I remember eyeballing a glass of cordial while Mum poured for my brother and I, making sure they were ‘exactly the same’. Anyone else have these memories?), so we need to practice some patience as parents, for sure!
Playing favourites can also create an entitlement mindset in the first child in the child that you are favouring.
‘If Mum gives me the best (or the most) every time, I deserve the same treatment from everybody.’
This means that when someone else-a teacher, friend’s parent or future boss-treats your child as an equal with their peers, the favoured child may have a ‘victim’ mindset, assuming others aren’t treating them well, rather than seeing equal treatment for what it is.
This can be a very damaging worldview for a child to grow up with-and very hard for them to shift later.
We need to be doing whatever we can to give our children that solid foundation of connection, love and self-confidence, so they know we are after what is BEST for them. This includes protecting them and their siblings from each other, sometimes!
2: Be present so you see what’s going on.
Secondly, as a parent you want to make sure that you are not getting drawn into some long winded explanation about why either child is the one in the right.
Both kids are going to want to tell you their side of the story, and they always paint themselves in a favourable light, right?
Then we have the difficult task of trying to get to the bottom of it, possibly losing our temper and still not finding out what really happened.
(And one or all of the kids are still grumpy because they don’t feel justified with the outcome!)
So how do we combat this as parents of small children?
Over and above the most effective method for dealing with sibling rivalry lies in observation.
Being aware consistently of what your child or children are doing and what they are playing with is the key to being able to curb those after-effects of sibling rivalry effectively.
3: Be aware of tone and language
Tone is how we say things, language is what we are actually saying.
For instance, when your child pouts and says ‘Fine’, their tone (and probably body language, too) is letting you know they are NOT fine. Their language is telling you they are fine.
So when we are showing our children how better to interact with each other, tone and language are very important.
Use your own tone to calmly MODEL how you want your child to speak. Then ask them to copy you (making sure it’s at their own language level, of course).
Language involves parents giving their children the right words to say-and teaching them the right moments to say them.
See here for my post 'How to Teach good Communication to your Toddler and Preschooler'
Help your child with their tone and language understandings, by giving them a calm, clear example of what they could/should say in this moment.
Then ask them to say/indicate those things to each other to resolve the situation.
These tips may seem easy. However, practise these consistently and you will find that your small children start to get along-or at least you will have the strategies to deal with it when they don’t!
Did you feel like you were treated with favouritism as a child? Or do you remember feeling competitive (in a bad way) with your siblings?
Let me know in the comments below!
