Parenting Styles - Managing Mum Resentment

One thing that no single person can deny, is that parenting styles have changed considerably over the last century.

(Even over the last 30 years, to be honest.)

It's always been the case that change happens over generations (especially since the Industrial Age), but it's clear to everyone that change, like it or not, is here to stay.

You see, one thing we are all aware of is that as Bob Dylan said: 

 'Times, they are a-changing.'

This post will cover one big result of the immense change we have seen in parenting styles in particular, in the last 30 years or so.

Child centrality and the possible resentment that can happen when parents don't hold their own healthy boundaries for their children as they grow.

Yes, we live in a world where since we were kids, technology has become the norm, but also we are facing another interesting situation. 

Kids are more 'central' in their parents' mentality than ever before. 

I find it so interesting how parents' lives are moulded around their children, by and large, for years, often with little consideration for their own needs.

Now, I'm not all about 'kids should be seen and not heard.'  And I am definitely not advocating that we leave them alone and ignore them! It's busy, hard and very constant, this parenting business.

Note: There is no way to be a good parent without feeling like this sometimes. 

But I don't think that parents also should be 'seen and not heard', either!  

Many parents are feeling like they can't do anything without risking angering their child, or having to deal with the 'fallout' from the child's tantrums. 

This is commonly known as 'walking on eggshells', and it can cause great anxiety.

(This situation is often perpetrated amongst controlling or angry adults too, which is often extremely challenging and anxiety-inducing too!)

But do you know what the worst thing is about this situation?

As a result, mums can  sometimes feel resentful of their child and like they just want a break. 

(A bit like when we deal with those angry adults I mentioned above. Who wants to be around a boss or friend who might explode at any moment?)

When this happens with our child, it can mean we are less inclined to listen, less inclined to have that perception in our parenting (which is so important when it comes to managing kids, emotions and family relationships), and oh, one more thing.

You will feel like you are disconnecting from your child, when all you want to do is connect to them and have that sense of peace in your head and family.

It's hard to have peace, hold your boundaries and generally parent when you are doing it from a place of total exhaustion and guilty feelings from that resentment.

So what do we do? 

Firstly, there's not a 'one minute cure' for this situation. 

However, there are some things we can do-especially if your child is over age 18 months. 

• Don't hold yourself to being your child's only comfort, if you can help it. (I know there are moments, Mama)

It's OK if Daddy, Granny or the babysitter do things a little differently and 'not the way you would do it' sometimes. That, in fact, is often your greatest tool when you're past it. Daddy makes things more interesting!

• Give your child praise when they learn an independent skill. They WANT to be an independent person, mostly!

DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT take over from your child when they want to do something themselves, assuming it's age appropriate.

It is well worth your time and energy and internal rolling-of-eyes while you wait that extra 2 minutes, because in a week (or even tomorrow) it will be something they can do on their own.

Tell them they're amazing and should be proud of themselves!

• Remember that sometimes you need to stand up for your own boundaries and state of mind.
• Self care is essential, even if it's a coffee in the sun while in lockdown, once your partner comes home, or turning the TV on for an hour even if you usually don't.   

If you can enact these ideas, you are on the road to being

• LESS reactive,
• LESS resentful and also
• MORE able to take on board what your child needs, too. 

These are all good things.

Give what you can this week, Mama- and don't forget to gift something to yourself. 

PS: If you feel overwhelmed, grab a free initial call with me or join my Reactions Group Coaching Sessions-discount for 4 or book 2 to start.