5 Year Old Tantrums and being a positive parent

Many parents feel completely out of their depth when it comes to 5 year old tantrums (or any age group!) Many a child has driven their parent to tears (at least in private) through having a huge meltdown either in public or in private, resulting in overwhelm, embarrassment, anger and often confusion on the part of the parent.

If you have a small child, chances are you will have felt this way more than once!

In this post, I'll be providing some information around how to deal with 5 year old tantrums and being a positive parent, including a couple of strategies for you to try if you fit in this category of parent-or your child is between the ages of 3-5 years old!

Here's the general layout:

Why 4-5 year olds have tantrums
The 2 different types of tantrums
How you can manage 5 year old tantrums
What you NEED to put in place first!

**Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links, which earn me a small commission to run my blog and business, at no cost to you.**

What is it with 4-5 year old tantrums?

It can be a shock to parents when they are hit with tantrums in this age bracket. For starters, weren't tantrums a thing for the terrible twos or tyrannical threes?

First of all those names are not always correct (although often warranted). Each child is different and we don't want to corral them into 'being' or acting a certain way just because they are a certain age.

(I'm not sure I'd love to hear that I'm in the 'tired 33's' or the 'completely lost-it 33's' although again, possibly warranted if you follow me on Instagram!)

5 year old tantrums can result from exactly the same things a 2 year old tantrum was, the child just has a little greater understanding.

But if you think about it, especially in a overwhelm tantrum, we might have expected that 2 year old to sit and wait for a moment (which might have been way above their ability and self-discipline level).

If we've asked our 4 year old to walk through another child's bedroom or the supermarket aisle and not touch anything at all, this might also be a little above their higher ability and self-discipline level, too-only it's on their level.

The amount of small children I've seen walk down an aisle at the supermarket without touching (or trying to touch) anything, is about none. Or maybe 1.

The tantrums your child may be displaying at 4 or 5 can be very similar to age 2, just a step more mature.

We have to remember that children can become very frustrated when any of these things happen:

things don't go their way
they can't do something the way they wanted to be able to,
they don't feel like other people (or parents) are listening to them properly, or
their big-kid style effort on something comes to ruin, like a tower breaking etc.

All of these reasons are legitimate! The fact your child is having a tantrum is not necessarily a bad thing, but a necessary thing for their development and learning.

Children who have tantrums are always able to learn something from the experience-and as a parent we need to know how to turn the tantrum into a teachable, connection moment (in the end).

What are the 2 different types of tantrums?

According to Margot Sunderland, in her book 'The Science of Parenting', outlines a very useful way to 'categorise' tantrums, for parents. These 2 different types of tantrums are called 'distress tantrums' and 'Little Nero tantrums'.

The names themselves demonstrate what they mean!

Distress Tantrums are all about the child and their emotional overwhelm.

For instance, your child feels frustrated because they just can't get their drawing to look how they want it to. The legs don't look right, Pa's hair doesn't look like that anyway, and WHY can't I do it RIGHT???

The child may feel any combination of distress, disappointment and anger.

These can result from any of the hungry, angry, lonely, tired, or stressed realities a child may be in at any present time.

Most parents know that their child often gets more emotional when they're tired, or some kids get 'hangry', and so on.

Distress tantrums can occur more often at these times because the child is already managing a lot of feelings or overwhelm already. This means it doesn't take much to push them over the 'edge' into complete meltdown.

We've all seen this happen to our kids, and if we're honest we have all been there too, right?

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It's universal that we don't deal well when we are any of the HALTS acronym affected-as adults we have the ability and opportunity to both understand this as well as manage ourselves. Little kids rely on us to help them do this.

Little Nero tantrums, according to Margot Sunderland, are the other type of tantrum.

This is the 4-5 year old tantrum we hear about. The one where the child went crazy and threw everything all over the floor. The one where they screamed in rage at their mama, and refused point-blank to do what you asked.

For those who don't know their history, Nero was a Roman Caesar who was vicious, a lot loopy, and was suspected of starting the Great Fire of Rome himself in the year 64 AD. Tantrums and irresponsibility have since followed his name down through history.

So, it follows that 'little Nero' tantrums, while they are still often a normal part of development, need to be managed a little differently than the distress tantrums.

I often associate 'Little Nero' tantrums with a mental image of Veruca Salt, from the popular Roald Dahl book 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory', who gets everything she wants and has a spectacular tantrum to get it. She doesn't like hearing 'NO' from anyone, and comes to a sticky fate in the book due to this behaviour, thanks to Mr. Willy Wonka.

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How do we manage 5 year old tantrums?

Emotional management of children in general requires parents to be able to step back, take a deep breath, and be intentional with their reactions to their child.

If your child is in an emotional meltdown state, especially if you think it's a distress tantrum, giving them a good telling off is not going to help.

Nor will it help to shout, scream and lecture at them. They simply can't take logical thought in while they are in an emotionally aroused or intense state.

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So what do we do?

1: First of all:

Download my free Emotions checklist resource to help you stop, breathe and have a clear and connection-based response to your child. This will give you ideas on what to say and how to say it - in order to help be the calm your child needs when they feel out of control.

2: Look with fresh eyes.

Make sure you look at the situation understanding that your child may be struggling, not 'intentionally acting out'. Even if this is the case, it's worth making sure before you start getting all aggravated yourself. After all, if this is a distress tantrum they can't help the feelings, but we need to start giving them the strategies to help with the reactions to the feelings.

3: Space and safety.

Give your child space. Leave them where they are if you can but don't completely leave the area. Also, there is another part to this action I will focus on in a minute.

Also, very importantly, make sure your child is safe, and that the others around them are safe, too. You may need to physically help your child move to a safer area, calmly and effectively.

4: Keep your tone light and calm.

Talk to your child, giving them the understanding that you are not angry with them for being upset, but want them to take a few breaths and calm down. (This will probably take a few minutes!)

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But what if my child is clearly having a Little Nero tantrum?

If your child is 4 or 5 years old and having a tantrum because you won't give them attention or what they want, the answer is not to go yelling at them-because they are still in that emotional meltdown stage.

Try to keep calm as much as you can, make sure they are safe like the others around (remove them or remove other children to another room if you need to) and say this to your child:

"I will be ready to talk when you have become calm. As soon as we can talk without shouting or rudeness, we can listen to each other. Let me know when you're ready, sweetheart (or buddy)."

Your child will probably escalate at this, but you need to walk away while keeping the opportunity open for them to come back when they're calm.

If they follow you, just repeat and if needed, tell them to go and play in their room for a few minutes until they are calm (keep the door open if you can) but still speak calmly and compassionately to them.

Your child should be learning how to move through their emotions and be able to approach you for help calming down or managing them if need be, not be literally left on their own to try and manage it!

This is a great moment to have the calming toys like in this blog post etc available but don't push them at your child as they will probably refuse.

Hear me here:

If your child is acting like this for attention, they will get what they want if you stay, even if it's your negative attention. If you can do your best to not be dragged into their swirling emotional moment and be calm and emotionally calm too, your child will soon learn that regardless of their own heaving ocean of emotion, Mama is calm and knows how to stand up to those who aren't.

Your child will hopefully then start to form a reality or thought in their subconscious, something like:

'This means she will stand up for me if other people do this to her-and therefore I am safe with her.'

These moments are HUGE for us as parents. But they are possible to manage!!

Here's what you NEED to put in place first.

Have a few items around which your child can grab at any time to feel calmer. This might mean glitter jars, stress balls, fidget spinners or a quiet activity like a puzzle.

But most of all, you need to be consistently putting in that connection time with your child.

This doesn't mean constant bubbacino dates, or shopping, or just 'being there' with your child (although sometimes it can!), but it could mean coming into their play space with permission and a spare 5 minutes, creating intentional micro connections like Maggie Dent talks about, or even having a little moment where you call them over and give them a little cuddle just because you love them-and tell them you're proud!

Conclusion:

Dealing with a 5 year old tantrum is always hard work from the parents' point of view. But if you follow these few pointers and don't get hung up with the guilt you feel when you are doing the best you can for your child, you can make it through!