Helping Toddlers Say Sorry...the right way
‘No! MY toy!’
‘No! I like it!’
(Followed by a big‘WHACK’ and then a cry of outrage or pain from somebody)
It’s easy to imagine, isn’t it. Or maybe you don’t need to.*wince*
Toddlers and pre-schoolers are just figuring out theiremotional regulation-and WOW does this come to the fore with ownership (or“ownership”) of toys!
So who needs to say ‘sorry’ in the above dispute? Is it theone who took the toy in the first place? Or is it the one who did the hitting?
Historically it is the one who used physical violence-which should never be tolerated under any circumstances-but the one who couldn’t control themselves either verbally or through taking the toy are just as much to blame, in my opinion. But that’s not what this post is about…
So should we ask our toddlers to say sorry?
In a word, yes. However it’s the saying of the sorry that is, for me, an issue.
We’ve all heard, seen and probably been a kid who wasn’t sorry, say ‘Sorry’ throughclenched teeth. Were they sorry? Nope.
So why did they then say ‘Sorry’ when they didn’t mean it? Because an adult ‘made’ them, of course.
Now there is nothing wrong with expecting a child to LEARN to say sorry if they hurt someone. (This is clearly the end result we are working towards, after all. You and I need to say ‘sorry’ if we hurt someone.)
However it’s the sorry feeling we should be moving children towards. Not necessarily the word. We often find that when children feel sorry, they will say it without parent involvement.
Moving your child towards the ‘sorry’ feeling
First of all, do notmake your child feel belittled, openly embarrassed or put down. Shouting atthem doesn’t help, either. This is just returning the hurt-not moving towardhealing in this situation.
What I always do first with a child who is refusing to stop or act sorry, is take them a little way from the scene of the crime, so to speak. I move to a quieter area with them, and take them on my knee or sit with them on the floor.
Toddlers between 18 months and 3 are notoriously physical, emotional beings, so need to calm before they can understand that they have hurt someone else. However after a bit of succinct discussion about 'how you hurt that person', they can come around to see why they should feel sorry. If they don’t, they may have to wait longer to play with that equipment/person again. (This 'wait longer' doesn't mean being constantly lectured, by the way.)
The child then should have to either say sorry, hug or make sure the other child feels better-or help them repair the damage if a toy is knocked over or broken.
With toddlers younger than 18 months I just pick them up and say ‘No, we don’t hit people. Sorry, (insert child’s name).’ (Put your child down somewhere else. Repeat ad nauseum.)
Then after much practice and consistency by parents, when the child grows to understand that sorry feeling, we expect them to start understanding that when they feel like this they need to be more careful and make sure they are looking after those around them, not hurting them.
OK, so we all know it isn’t that fun saying or feelingsorry. It can be super embarrassing and nobody likes having to say it!
However those with higher emotional intelligence know the value of learning resilience, appreciation for others and the importance of these social skills for our kids. The current ‘entitlement generation’ have missed a few of these important skills, leading to higher sense of self-importance, etc. This is the opposite of what we really want for our own children. Good self-esteem comes from the ability to learn how to overcome moments like this when we are young!
If we miss teaching our toddler how to have that Sorry feeling we are doing them a great disservice. Regardless of how you expect them to say sorry or show sorry, they need to learn it as early as they can understand it.
You won't be sad you taught them how.
Miranda xx
How do you expect your toddler or pre-schooler to say sorry? If you have a no-fail practice, let me know in the comments!