success in Gentle Parenting - natural consequences and logical consequences
Does the term 'setting boundaries' make you cringe? Try natural and logical consequences to help your toddler and preschooler learn independence WHILE they learn what is best for them.
Let's face it, no one wants to use consequences with their children. But the simple fact is that if we don't use consequences in some way with our children, the world will be merciless on them.
Also, we will suffer as a result while our beautiful children learn that the world should do their bidding, rather than learning that they are part of a bigger scheme and part of the world-wide community!
So even if it's hard, we need to start teaching our children that their actions have consequences.
However, is this the first reaction?
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This post will cover this topic like this:
What are Natural Consequences and why do we need them?
Why are Natural consequences more effective and better than punishments?
How to start implementing these consequences with your child gently and warmly but so they get the message!
Why Natural Consequences are only half the positive parenting solution as your children get older
Grab my free Natural and Logical Consequence example sheet!
Firstly - hi! I’m Miranda, and I’m a mama of 3, teacher, and now emotional health coach and gentle parenting consultant for mums who want to feel more peace and less stress - and increase family wellbeing as you build your own mental health. Find out more about what I do on the Emotional Health Bookings page here >>>
Are you a gentle parent? Using natural consequences and logical consequences for your child will build emotional wellbeing and help your child learn responsibility for themselves. #consequencesfortoddlers #naturalconsequences #logicalconsequences #gentleparenting
So what are Natural Consequences?
These are those consequences that come about fairly naturally.
By this I mean the same thing would happen to us if we persisted like our toddlers with a particular situation. Here are some examples:
-‘If you touch the mud you will get dirty’
-‘If you go outside without a jumper you will get cold’
-‘If you do not eat you will get hungry’
-‘If you push your friends they will not be your friends forlong’- and so on.
If you think about it, these consequences are those that really teach the lesson. Usually really quickly, too.
Why are Natural Consequences so effective?
Natural consequences are an absolute godsend to the parent who is so over the tantrums- and especially to that mama who is just past being able to think of HOW to practically help their toddler just STOP with the constant pushing of the boundaries.
Let’s face it- it’s healthy for kids to push boundaries. That’s how they find out where the ‘safe’ space is-by finding where the ‘not-so-safe’ parts are, PAST the boundary.
(My favourite analogy involves a bridge with rails along so the cars can’t fall off.See here to check out a previous Insta post on this.)
Natural consequences are SO much more effective because:
a) they meet a need for the parent (hello more calmness and understanding from the kids-eventually at least); and
b) they help the child understand that boundaries areactually part of life. And it’s healthy to stick to them most of the time.
But HOW can you start using these natural consequences withyour toddler?
First of all, a child who is struggling with their emotions (or any child) will benefit from some connection first of all.
Parents need to be observing their child and being aware of what their needs and 'headspace' is like before implementing any consequence.
Children need to be learning through the use of a consequence, or you may as well not even bother.
So if your child is struggling, give them a hug!
Ask them why they're struggling to follow instructions today. Give them a little of your time and love-and see if they will stop the behaviour through using connection, first.
However, if not (or if this is a repeat offence) try using natural consequences!
It takes a little practice as a parent- but once you start you will never look back. I promise you!
The first step is to speak the consequence out.
Using one of the ‘If, then’ statements above makes it clear and obvious to all concerned. ‘If you don’t remember your jumper, then you will get cold.’
Secondly, be available to HELP them follow your instruction.
Many children are too small to put a jumper on themselves, but are protesting the fact they have to wear one. Therefore when the child decides he is cold and wants to change to follow your instructions-he needs help to put on his jumper. Not being available to help them achieve this is extremely unhelpful, as the child could end up feeling punished by you as well as learning their own lesson. This is NOT helpful.
Thirdly, take a mental step back as a parent.
Our kids cannot learn these lessons with hovering parents constantly. They will not learn that they will get cold without a jumper, if you just can’t cope with them getting cold once or twice to LEARN to follow instructions themselves. Children will not learn independence if parents keep getting in the way.
So natural consequences can be extremely useful-and I believe necessary- to start teaching children the true meaning of independence. Nobody can learn independence unless they are ironically given the freedom to learn it independently.
Natural consequences give parents the freedom to be able to teach their child while simultaneously allowing the consequence to do the teaching.
This simply means the parent has to tell the child what will happen, and let the child experience the not-so-fun consequence to learn (within the boundaries of reasonability and safety, obviously!)
How freeing for the parent-and wonderfully freeing for the child (once they learn it!).
Why Natural Consequences are only half the solution...
Natural consequences are wonderful and SO useful, but in our parenting there is another part to this story.
This part is the partner of natural-and is called 'Logical Consequences'.
Logical consequences are talked about more effectively (especially for toddler and preschool parents) HERE, but basically this category denotes the consequences that the parent enforces or enacts for the child.
Before you get all worried about this, let me use this example:
A child doesn't eat their dinner.
Natural consequence: Child goes hungry.
Logical consequence: Parent doesn't let child have dessert.
It's literally that simple. You can choose either-and either will teach-but we have ALL been faced with logical consequences as children and adults.
Using logical consequences means they need to be related to the issue, reasonable for the child and be used to TEACH, not punish.
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Conclusion:
Using Natural consequences is a very helpful and essential way to teach your small child that doing what they are asked, or making sure they do certain things with a parent, is a good idea.
It increases listening skills in your child as well as helps them start to understand that there are consequences for their actions, which is what they need to know to survive and thrive in the world.
It can be hard to stand back as a parent and let your child experience a consequence, but as long as they are safe and gently learning, this is completely fine and in fact teaches independence and responsibility for themselves.
Grab my free Consequence Example Sheet here!
If you would like to learn more about how to use natural and logical consequences, see my list of common toddler issues which can be solved by natural or logical consequences. Let me know how it helps you with your toddler or pre-schooler!
If you are daunted by using consequences with your small child, or need help with dealing with a behavioural issue in your parenting, grab a single session or double sessions here on the Emotional Health Bookings page - where we can talk about you or your child - or both!
Miranda xx
