How to be a Gentle Parent to a 5 year old
Being a gentle parent to a 5 year old can be fraught with emotional moments, for both the parent and the child.
Many mums go through this time with their child feeling totally unsure about coping with these new emotional (and behavioural) type challenges, and feel like a failure because suddenly all the 'old tactics' aren't working any more-or feel like it.
Don't worry-this post will cover why kids can behave like this, why they still need your support even when they're screaming at you, and how you can go about helping your child through this rather difficult time!
How to Be a Gentle Parent to a 5 year old
If you have a five year old who is getting ready to start school in the next little while, you are very likely (read 'almost certainly') to come up against some interesting behaviour.
Many parents talk about more yelling, more defiance, more attempts at independence, and the fact that the strategies that 'used to work' for their child don't seem to make a difference any more.
Why?
There are a few things to take into account with a child around this age group.
Firstly, they are almost ready to start school.
If you don't think this is a big issue, be aware that it is. Even for those kids who seem calm and nonchalant about starting school, they either don't think about it, or they are bubbling along quietly under the surface.
(These kids are sometimes the ones who suddenly have a big, totally unrelated emotional explosion because they've held it in. Think a volcano!)
It is important to talk about starting school, getting ready to be more independent, but go gently. For some kids this is too much all at once. If you can, gradually chat about 'when you're at school, this will be so fun!'
Join me for a group coaching session to find out more about how you can prepare your small child for school in a social-emotional way-email me at smartmamasmartkids@gmail.com with the subject 'School Transition' and I'll book you in-only 5 spaces available!
Secondly, being a gentle parent to a 5 year old involves parents starting to learn how to do a little more give and take.
Kids this age are ready for a fairly big step into independence (meaning they don't need you as much anymore) but they also really, really need you to show up for them when they need you.
Think of it in this little scenario:
Ted had always been hesitant to go on the big slide at the park, but today he was there with his friends and felt really excited to try it out. His mum Zali felt a little nervous for him and tried to talk him out of it, but Ted was adamant that he was 'big enough to do it'. Zali decided to just encourage him, stepped back and said 'Great, honey! I'll watch from here, OK?' Ted ran off with his friends, who all promptly went down the slide, some a little fearful but OK. Then it was Ted's turn, and he was all excited to climb the stairs, sat down and looked down the suddenly oh-so-long slide.... he looked at his friends and felt like he could do it, but he was still very nervous. He cast a nervous glance across the park to his mum.
Zali could see him begin to falter, so she calmly walked across to the edge of the slide and said 'Hey, buddy! I can see you're ready to do it-wow! Would you like me to stand here so I can see you and help if you need me?' Ted nodded. He waved to his friends, took a deep breath and locked eyes with his mum as he went down the slide. Zali said 'Great job buddy! I knew you could do it! High five!'
Helping our kids build independence involves giving them support, but as they get older that support is taken away if we take over.
If Zali had climbed to the top of the slide and slid down with her son, this may have treated him a little too babyish-which may have dented his pride and sense of accomplishment in front of his friends. However, just saying 'Go down, Ted! You always do this! If you can't do it, don't get up there!' would totally disempower him and cause a break in trust and respect, rather than build connection with her son.
Giving and taking means our kids will need us, but we need to also realise when to give them independence, too. What responsibilities can we bring in, as well as giving them time to make their own (small) decisions too? This is SO, SO important.
Thirdly, being a gentle parent to a 5 year old means we listen to emotions, but don't give in to unreasonable demands.
Many, many parents ask about how to manage 4, 5 and 6 year old tantrums.
I have a whole post on that right here, but here are some things we need to remember:
- Let a child express their emotion. It is OK to have an emotion, in fact quite normal!
- Make sure they're safe and other around them are too.
- Don't let them start making demands due to their emotion. Just because a child has an emotion does NOT mean we tiptoe around them and let them run the house. However it's not the time to start getting angry yourself.
Join over 150 parents who have accessed my FREE 'React better' printable here, and start having real, practical replies and strategies to help you with your emotional child!
So in conclusion, cut yourself a break, because this is a huge time in your child's journey-and in yours as a parent.
Our kids are going through a hard time at this age, due to big changes like school, social-emotional changes, and building independence. This is where a lot of the emotional challenges we find cropping up, come from.
They still need you, Mama! Stay the course, take the deep breaths and enjoy your kids-if you can while they're driving you crazy!
This too shall pass-and we'll miss this age when it does.
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Do you feel confident in being a gentle parent to a 5 year old?