‘How to say no without actually saying no’ - why this is a total cop-out and unhelpful for your Child
Almost every single parent wants to know, at some point, ‘how to say no without actually saying no.’
Right? It can be so hard to actually tell our child ‘NO’, especially in those emotionally-charged moments when they need to sleep, eat or anything except listen to what we ask!
This post will share three points:
Why saying no shouldn’t be your first call - or avoided, either,
Why kids need to hear ‘no’ - it’s a no brainer; and
How to actually say no to your child gently!
Ready, mama? Before you jump in, don’t forget to grab my free mental health planner for mums - because it takes 1 minute, and it’s the area you need to prioritise along with everyone else’s wellbeing.
‘How to say no without actually saying no’ - why this is a total cop-out and unhelpful for your Child
Looking for ways around how to say ‘NO’ without saying no? Click on the pin to find out why this can have a negative impact on your child as a gentle parenting strategy. #gentleparenting #sayingno #consequences #childdevelopment
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Why saying ‘No’ shouldn’t be your first port of call as a gentle parent
A mistake I used to make as a parent was not saying No much at all. Then, I became fed up, emotionally exhausted and overwhelmed, and it was ‘no’ to everything!
My problem became that I would say ‘No’ almost as a reflex. In this case, I was being ‘reactive’ rather than ‘proactive’ - because my emotional health was struggling, I was trying to make things easier for myself.
(Can you relate? I help mums feel less stress, throw off those expectations - and feel more peace, through online consults and support. Please check out my simple 30 mins for $40 option right here on my Emotional Health Bookings page!)
However, it did no such thing! And almost every time I ended up realising that maybe what they were asking for was actually a good idea - ie: a sandwich before we went out, always a good plan with little kids - and I would go back on my word and end up doing it anyway - which gave them the wrong idea about boundaries overall.
Saying ‘No’ first is fine - but it’s better to say ‘hold on’ or ‘I’ll just think about it!’ then you can at least say yes or no once you have done so. My personal favourite is ‘come back in a minute, then I’ll tell you’. That one works a treat, especially with kids over 4!
Why kids need to hear ‘No’ - and get used to ‘no means no’.
When we say ‘No’ to our child, we are teaching them how to both respect boundaries - and how to set them appropriately, themselves.
Let me put that another way. If you let your child walk all over your boundaries, you are essentially letting them know that it’s OK if someone walks all over theirs. That person just has to be stronger, whinier, or more annoying or physical - and this means giving in to them, is what you should do.
If this has not set alarm bells ringing for you, here’s a hint: It absolutely SHOULD.
We want our kids to learn to be able to do three things:
Learn how to set healthy boundaries (and expect that they will be respected)
Listen to and respect other people’s boundaries, both physical, emotional, relational and social; and
Be able to stand up for others’ if they see their boundaries being crossed (like a bully at school, etc).
Part of the reasons behind saying no to your child involves learning limits, boundaries in their lives - and I don’t mean mental or emotional boundaries, or instilling an inner critical voice, or anything like that. It’s about learning that no, means no. It doesn’t mean ‘later’, or ‘if you push more’ or ‘I’ll change my mind when you annoy me for 30 minutes’. No means NO. Full stop. Period.
How to Say no without actually saying no - what do we actually want when we ask this?
we all know that the the actual reason behind why we don’t want to say no in the first place - the disappointment (and potential tantrum) that you fear is coming directly after you say that dreaded word.
Or, maybe you had a difficult childhood and you have trauma around that - and you don’t want to see your children go through the same feelings you have been through. I promise you though, saying no to your children occasionally, especially if they are generally surrounded by love, will definitely not hurt them.
So, how do we go about it? Here are my three simple tips when it comes to how to set boundaries as a gentle parent.
1: Give warnings
The Speaking Clock is a super-useful technique to use here. I share about the Speaking Clock in the first info session in my simple ecourse, The Emotionally Equipped Child. Give warnings to your child so they know what to expect - because personally, that’s a huge emotional health rule of mine. I can be super-flexible, but it’s not something I like to practice all the time. That leads to emotional exhaustion!
2: Use a calm, firm tone.
Calm tones, create calm spaces - unless you are lecturing, I find! (I just get a huge build-up of frustration in my body when anyone lectures me. Do you feel the same?)
I have a tone that will not be argued with - although my kids do try - and once I put that tone on, it reminds me that I am not budging. That is the end of discussion around whichever matter we are ‘discussing’.
Find your tone, don’t overuse it (it’s worth picking your battles!) and make sure that once you use it, that you do not let your child work their way around you.
Feeling overwhelmed? Grab your completely FREE Mental Health Planner for Mums here, and be intentional about scheduling in your own peace and understanding yourself!
3: Even as a gentle parent, you need to have boundaries yourself - and it’s OK to come down hard if your kids cross them!
Teach your child that they will not be allowed to push you, hit you, or physically haul you about, or call you names.
(You would be shocked at some of the things parents tell me their child does to them, when in coaching sessions with me!) If they do something you wouldn’t let anyone else do, especially after you have asked them not to, it’s a BIG consequence, from me in my house.
We cannot let ourselves be hurt by our child - and this teaches them terrible habits for schoolyard conflicts, high-school parties, future relationships - not to mention they are inhibited in how they let other people manhandle them in the future.
Also, on that note - one sentence I have said myself in my house to my older kids, is “If anyone on the street tried to do that to me, I wouldn’t let them. Why should I let you?” This really brings it into practical reality for both yourself and your child, and serves to help you stand up a little taller and stand up for yourself as a mum, too.
Logical consequences might be: losing a favourite game for a time, screen time restrictions, doing 3 household chores before screen time, or even not being able to go to something they were looking forward to. Don’t let them get away with it - because you’re just the first person they try it on, and you want to be the last.
If you want to learn how to say no without saying no - I hope I have given you something to think about.
It’s OK to use this just a little - we all want a peaceful life - but it’s important that your child learns how to hear NO sometimes - and learn how to build their emotional regulation enough to cope with this little word - because they’re going to hear it their whole life, in all sorts of circumstances.
Please note - all of the techniques in this post assume you are giving lots of connection, love and appropriate care to your child. That you are spending time building your relationship with them - not spending all your time trying to set limits and rules.
No one wants to be constantly controlled - and if these suggestions don’t work very well, it might be worth making sure you are not ‘smothering’ your child when they need to build more independence from you. If you’re struggling with this idea, book a mini-call here and grab a quick check-in around behaviour expectations - as a teacher I help parents with this too.
Using careful language when you can, holding a limit when you need to, and giving out logical consequences when you have to - these are all hard things to get right!
Here’s to a more peaceful, intentional life where we teach our kids the best of what they need - and look after our own emotional health as well.
Miranda xx
