How well do you really understand how your threenager thinks?
Do you really understand how your threenager thinks?
Many parents find it challenging to understand their children-and three year olds especially. At this age, kids are moving from baby or tiny toddler developmental stages into a stage where their will, thoughts and routines all come colliding together-and what we are used to expecting or wanting as parents can be totally turned upside down.
This post will share exactly how your threenager thinks and how you can understand this as a parent.
They are out of the baby stage by now, and starting to have their own little semi-formed opinions of regular events around them, and even their toys. You may have even offered them a toy and they have pushed or thrown it away in favour of one they choose themselves. They want peanut butter over jam, and generally are trying to start making their own decisions.
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(‘And way too early’, I can hear you saying!)
This is a clear indication that your pre-schooler or toddler is starting to form their own thought processes and ideas.
Why do you as a parent want to understand how yourthreenager thinks?
I’m not sure who coined the term ‘threenager’, but it is just perfect for the teen-like attitude and quote ‘independence’ that many children start displaying at age 3.
Want to learn how to teach your child independence in a calm way?
Many parents anticipate the terrible twos, and are happily surprised by their little cherubs who may have interacted normally through their second year with minimal disruption to parental authority and opinion.
(Don’t get me wrong, there are a fair percentage who DO experience terrible two’s as well!)
However, there seem to be a lot more at a loss to understand their threenager.
These mamas have had their socks knocked off by the attitude they suddenly start receiving from their child when they turn 3 and mature a little more. These parents feel
- Powerless-not knowing what to do
- Shocked
- Sad that their child is suddenly challengingthem
- Embarrassed by tantrums and public displays (orprivate ones), and mostly
- Overwhelmed and at a loss as to how to evenstart in the face of such a determined child who seems to know what they want!
Parents seem sad that they have to then go through the hardwork of learning how to connect with their child AND discipline them so theylearn how to be good people.
Many parents just fumble their way through-which is not very intentional for the child or the parent themselves.
(What are you doing?)
A little background…
I felt JUST like this when my child was around 3. She was SO beautifully behaved when others were around, but she was pushing her will upon me in EVERY way, consistently, as she learnt more independence both physically, emotionally and mentally.
Join the Independence Masterclass here!
I had to learn how I was going to deal with it-because itrarely happened for her father, grandparents or anyone else. Just me.
SO-it was ME learning, trialling and testing my ideas,theories and behavioural strategies with our gorgeous daughter (at the risk ofsounding like a scientist).
So how do we learn to understand how our threenager thinks?
There are three main things threenagers (and teenagers, forthat matter) need from their parents. These are EQUALLY as important, and ifyou forgo one, you need to get it back in balance quickly or start again!
These three things are CONNECTION, INDEPENDENCE and BOUNDARIES.
Connection is when we intentionally connect, care, play, love, involve our kids in what we are doing and be involved in what they are doing, in that beautiful dance called parent/child interaction.
This is so important with a threenager because although they SEEM independent and like they don’t care, they really are still just little.
Boundaries are the edges of the OK. These are put in place NOT because parents are being mean (hopefully!) but because there are guidelines for life and that’s where everyone needs to learn to walk to be healthy, happy and act with love and respect for others.
It’s like this bridge:
Three year olds are just stretching their wings a bit.
They’re just testing the waters, seeing what they are ‘allowed’to do under your instruction and guidance.
If you let them pour water on the floor, that’s probably a given for next time.
When you let them hit you, that’s then categorised as an ‘OK’ thing to do to people (not just you).
If you start teaching them to pick up after themselves, this begins to set the expectation for life.
Parents teach their child HOW to live.
Boundaries are just the ‘we stop here’ bits.
Without connection and independence, a threenager is rightto feel a bit upset with the boundaries around her.
This brings us to the final of the three in balance.
Independence is all about learning how to ‘do it myself’.Ifyou’re a threenager parent, you may have heard that on more than one occasion.
And you know why? Because it’s where they are at.
Three year olds have developed enough mentally that they CAN learn to do a lot themselves. Can they do everything? Of course not.
But can they do something? Yes.
Many kids at age 3 can sweep the floor, get dressed, brush their teeth (checked by a parent afterwards), go to the toilet (sometimes), create amazing imaginative play games and many, many more things.
Independence is SUCH an important skill to teach your child.
For Toddler independence, read more here.
So-we have these three to keep in balance-Connection,Boundaries and Independence.
How do we learn what to do? How do you actually understand how your threenager thinks?
1: Listen to them when you are connecting with them.
Ask questions, listen to the answers and ask more.
2: When you set boundaries...
...take note of which ones your three year old can follow easily, and which are a struggle for her. Ask her WHY she finds that hard (not in that moment, when she’s calm!)
React BETTER with this emotional cheatsheet printable for Mamas!
3: When you are letting your child be independent...
...or teaching her a skill to do so, observe what she finds easy or hard. Also take note of the things she is excited to learn to do, and those she isn’t interested in much.
All of the observations you make will enable you to begin building a semi-formed picture of your child and their personality, how they deal with things.
It is THIS that enables you to:
- move with them,
- understand them and their moods, (what sets them off) and
- how to structure MORE connection, boundaries and independence training in ways that benefit your household and your child the most.
So to really understand how your threenager thinks, you need to:
-Keep things in balance with regular, intentional connection, consistent boundaries and teaching independence skills.
-Observe them while you interact with them so you can see exactly what they need and how you can fill in the gaps for them OR help them learn to fill in those gaps themselves, as they grow.
After all, that's what parenting is all about, right?
If you feel in the deep end with your threenager or toddler, I can help with routines, connection and behavioural strategies via email support or face-to face coaching.
Check out my Learning Emotions coaching program to equip yourself to help your child manage those big emotions!
To access my resources to build confidence as a parent, join my Empowered Motherhood Facebook Group to get my weekly lives and strategies!
