Inner critical Voice: What it is & how to actually change your judgemental habits

Negative self talk getting you down? This is an issue with Mums (and all humans) everywhere, and it’s not helpful or uplifting. Our inner critical voice is able to make our best day into a worse day, and our self-esteem into an absolute mess.

This can run you down, make you feel overwhelmed and just really mess with your mental health - and then this impacts your emotional ‘cup’ too, and how you deal with your kids.

This article will share insights on:

What is your inner critical voice?
3 ways to make a positive change to your own inner voice

Let’s get going!

Inner critical Voice: What it is, & actually changing your judgemental habits

Firstly, what even is your inner critical voice?

Self-talk is something humans have, like a little inner monologue with yourself. It’s universal (because talking to yourself is, in fact, not crazy, but what everybody does - just internally!)

This is the voice that might be saying ‘Don’t forget to pop the dinner in’, or ‘You look good in those jeans!’, or even ‘wow, I really did well when I took all three kids to the shops today’!

However, most of us are more familiar with this side of our inner voice:

You are such a bad mum. Look how dirty his face was when you went out today!
Another FAIL, you idiot. Why can’t you do anything right?
It’s typical. You’re just not really cut out for this. Your kids definitely didn’t win with you as a Mum.

SHOCK.

If your inner voice is anything like mine used to be (and like a majority of my clients’ inner voices can be), the impressions and comments can be absolutely brutal, right there in your head!

It’s not just the words in your head, but also the impression you get from yourself. Self-loathing, and making comments like these, is like having the worst girls at school in your head, constantly judging you harshly.

Hey, Mama - we were not created to be treating ourselves like that.

Our inner critical voice can absolutely ruin our mental health and our ability to let ourselves enjoy anything!

It’s absolutely awful - and if you’re there now, or you’ve been there, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

But isn’t that just reality? I do make mistakes, I do those things that I victimise myself for in my head. I see these things play out, every day.

Maybe you do. But, firstly, does anything improve when there is only judgement around it? In my experience, when we feel judged, we feel more stressed, more on edge, and often more likely to make mistakes, anyway.

But also, we are not in an environment to start actually building anything positive, because you are trying hard to get that love and affirmation from those judging you, right? Usually, this is the case.

But what if the one judging us is ourselves? We can’t get away; we can’t thrive until we can cut ourselves a break and admit we are actually doing a good job - and that we are allowed to be human. That we can fail, and it’s OK. That we look on ourselves with the compassion we give to our children, hopefully.

We have to change our mindset to being accepting of and loving to ourselves, before we can start feeling like we are doing well. It’s not the other way around.

So, how do we fix or make a positive change to our inner critical voice?

What can we do to stop our little hate-fests on ourselves - in which we feel like the victim and the perpetrator all at the same time?

Firstly, we can become aware of it.

(You can also grab my Mental Wellbeing Printable Planner Pack right here, for absolutely FREE, for a limited time!)

Understanding the routines and regular moments you feel that negative inner critical voice, is absolutely key to building this type of awareness. Start trying to notice when you are being overly critical of yourself.

Many of my clients find this hard - but one way we can go about this is by becoming more aware of our body and it’s reactions. If you are being judged by someone else, you will probably do some of these movements:

drop your shoulders,
look at the ground,
maybe try and force your head up high to make a show of bravado;
Rub your temples (trying to get rid of that voice!)
Try and escape it (hiding, looking for something to busy yourself with)
Cry

If you find yourself doing some of these movements, especially after a regular thing happens that you find troubling, then start paying attention to what ‘impression of yourself’ is going on in your mind.

Secondly, we can create a regular routine or script that helps us ‘inject positive reality’ into our mental conversation with ourselves.

Once you find that regular routine, you can start to make a counteracting ‘voice script’ against that inner critical voice! This is where positive affirmations, Bible verses, and positive self talk really comes in. It’s not toxic positivity, but it’s reminding yourself of your worth and value as you start moving into your better mental space, intentionally.

When you notice you are starting to put yourself down, grab a quote, verse, or memory that works for you and mentally say, ‘No, I AM an amazing Mum because….!’ or “I am a peaceful, loving partner because …”

This is super important. Remind yourself of your worth! Grab a Bible and find your worth there - if you are a Christian - because you are a valued, loved creation, even if you do not have a faith. You are worth the change, and your children are blessed to have you as a parent. Believe it!

Thirdly, we can start to change our inner critical voice by changing our attitude towards ourselves as a whole.

Self Compassion is a huge deal in Positive Psychology and Wellbeing, (I studied this in depth during my Positive Psych university course) and it can have amazing impacts on our mental health, wellbeing, emotional reactions, fight or flight mechanism (over time), and also help us generally have less stress bodily, as well. Lowering stress levels means we are looking after our heart, brain, digestive system, skin, breathing, vagus nerve… the list goes on and on.

Stress, is bad for the body, mind and soul.

If we reduce it - and mental stress is just as much a stress, then we can start to see the way forward to a better life with ourselves - and therefore, everyone around us!

So, start to write down what you love about yourself. Pretend you’re standing outside your body and look at yourself with compassion - like you would a tired child, because that’s what you feel like, right? Like someone who has had to keep it all together constantly, without even your own support for backup.

Many people like to shout ‘Love yourself!’ from the rooftops - but you have to accept yourself first. Loving yourself is the end result, but for many it can seem too far out of reach - asking ‘Where’s the practical application here? What do I do to love myself?’

So, think about yourself positively. If you’re a Christian like me, you might pray about this, ask God to help you - and whether you are or not, it’s not easy to just stop the habits of a lifetime! So, even in this be gentle with yourself, Mama! It’s OK - and you are going to reap the rewards as you do this bit by bit.

If you want to work through this with guidance, my coaching program might be just perfect for you. My clients can choose 2, 6 or 12 weeks to join me weekly on Zoom, and we do some deep conversation, some exercises in emotional processing with the body (nothing crazy!) and my clients have AHA moments regularly about how their mental habits and emotional processing has been shaped by life - and then you start to take back some of that control. I work with Christian mums regularly, but also those who don’t have a faith, too. Find out more about my sessions by clicking the Bookings link here!