Having a Second Child: How it can be Healthy-and Challenging
Having a second child is hard but possible with these tips to keep a happy, confident mum and elder child!
My hubby and I waited years to have our first baby.
Then we waited years for the next one-resulting in our eldest being 3.5 years old when we had our next girl.
It seems like an age ago, that time!
This post will take you through some of the highs and lows, pros and cons, of my personal experience of having a second child.
But WOW- having a second child was HARD WORK at times.
- The mental load (read GUILT) of missing out on usual time with our eldest was crippling,
- Adjusting to the extra physical and emotional workload was tricky, and
- The fact that Daughter #2 wasn’t a carbon copy of Daughter #1 sometimes threw me!
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However this was also one of the healthiest growth times for our family.
If you’re expanding your family from 1-2 children, I’ve compiled a few things I learnt, to help you along the way if you are contemplating baby #2, pregnant or recently met your second bundle of joy!
First off, babies are an absolute blessing, aren’t they? Warm, cuddly, need your love and just so squishy!
1: There are 2 sides to new babies!
But although that’s what everyone says (and it IS true), there is also the other side to babies.
Having a second child doesn’t just bring 'Ooh and Aah' moments.
It also brings sweet memories of how your first baby did this-and often, memories of how hard it was!
As someone once said to me 'The shine can seem to have worn off a bit, with your second.' Still great-but not quite so new!
And, it's true!
So how do we deal with this?
1: It’s best to have realistic expectations.
Try to remember the lovely parts of having a baby-but expect it to be hard sometimes, too. For a healthy emotional and mental state, we don’t want to only dwell on the negative-but it does help to understand that there WILL be moments when you wish you could sleep more, just ignore the crying, teething happens (need I say more?) and that you and your partner will sometimes be at odds because you’re so tired.
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2: Understand that for Child #1, nothing has changed.
There is nothing that has changed between you and them. Nothing. So they can find it HARD to understand why you suddenly aren’t putting them and their needs, first. I found this especially hard to deal with, as my first daughter and I had quite the little friendship-she is a literal mini-me and we were used to doing everything together. Suddenly she had someone else taking my attention!
So my tip for this?
Find 3-4 times each day to spend proper 1:1 time with your elder child.
Reading books, looking at the garden, cooking, lying and looking at the clouds, swimming lessons, and playing together are just a few ideas. Find what they love to do with you and do it intentionally and regularly.
Grab this ebook from me with 10 daily and fun ideas to do with your toddler or preschoolers!
Make them feel like they are still your number 1 and that there are moments when you don’t have to be baby-Mama, but their Mama, still.
They are still occupying their place in the world-there is just someone else who they need to teach to share you, as they grow.
3: Child #1 often feels left out.
Thirdly, youreldest child is often feel left out when a new baby comes. It’s allabout Mama, the new brother or sister, and so on. Suddenly their little life isconstantly referenced by how it affects the baby and how they relate to it.
To counteract this, you can do the classic thing and encourage your elder child to be the little ‘helper’ in the family.
They usually will do many things to get attention from you, however you may as well initiate useful, positive attention (or they will often do more interesting, probably less positive, things).
Also, having a few regular moments when you play with your child, is really helpful. See the Masterclass 'How to be Playful with your Child' on how you can stop and do this with your child.
4: Your child is missing you and the foundations of his world are shaking!
Finally, rememberthat what your elder child is quite probably feeling deep inside, is this:
He is thinking ‘What about me? I’m still important, aren’t I? Don’t you love ME still? What about my amazing skills you tell me about? What about the hugs you used to give me, and when Daddy would throw me in the air and shout? Now for some reason we can’t do those things and they’re what made me feel like you loved me, how we connected. Connect with me again, Mama. Let’s do those things again, and I can be loved again.’
To combat this, we can VALIDATE our child.
They need to be understanding that they are still important, that we don’t love them any less. Give them plenty of encouragement and verbal AND non-verbal love, hugs and leave them notes etc!
When you can, even if you want to talk about their relationship to the baby etc (which is fine), make sure you also ask them about themselves, their interests and their perspective on non-baby related topics.
Talk about how Grandma will love to take her to the park, or how he has such a great imagination because he made his very own block town.
Going from 1-2 children is extremely satisfying and as I mastered a few of the basics (like learning to leave 15 minutes extra to get out the door every time) I felt more like Supermum and less like a huge failure.
Do you feel like a failure? Try putting these strategies into practice in your family. Watch your child cope better and become more confident as the elder child-and feel more confident as a parent, even in the baby haze!
Do you want to become the parent you want to be, and set your family up WELL from the early years? Connection, boundaries, love, confidence, resilience and laughter?
You might like to grab this free Toddler Ebook to make sure you always have an idea on how to entertain your toddler (even with baby brain!!)
