I stopped yelling at my kids and discovered this...
I made a huge discovery when I stopped yelling at my kids.
If you're one of those mamas, the normal and everyday-strong-but-sometimes-overwhelmed-mamas who love their kids but feel guilty for yelling at them, I feel you.
I often used to yell at my kids. Sometimes, I still do-but not like I used to.
I used to resort to yelling as a first...resort.
Wow, was I SO over it.
I felt so guilty and like everyone up the street must be hearing me-like we felt when everyone could hear our parents yelling at US. #embarrassment
I just needed something (apart from my essential oils, although they helped) to help me in those extra-frustrating times, to stop yelling! It’s not easy, is it? (Apparently I’m a super patient parent, so I can’t imagine what I would be like if I was seen as impatient. Yikes.)
So I tried- and had much success.
I have begun to yell LESS. I have started using my ‘Stop, Think, Listen’ strategy, combined with 5 deep breaths, to help myself step out of the moment and self-soothe BEFORE I yell at the kids.
Why have I worked sohard at stopping the habit of generations of parents yelling at their childrena lot?
- Because the guilt is terrible!
- And to top it all off, after I yelled, I wouldfind myself apologising to my children (which is fine)-and then they wouldthink they were getting off scot free from whatever they had done to cause theyelling (which is not so helpful)!
- It doesn’t actually achieve anything.
#facepalm
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But you know what? I found an extra bonus to curbing my yelling habit.
Something I wasn’t sure of, until I tried it myself.
I started observing and noting what the differences were in my children around the time I yelled at them (usually out of frustration and annoyance-and often before school in the morning).
I observed them for about the following half an hour.
I even took mental (and sometimes physical) notes!
And my number #1 discovery after all this?
My children yelled less too.
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I was having people yell their questions and frustrations at me, too.
I’m the sort of Mama who IS NOT down for having her children yell back at her. Talk about disrespect!! And while I’m not saying kids should never be yelled at (sometimes they really need to snap out of it-or even to keep them safe sometimes!)...
I suddenly realised that I was promoting the sort of household that yelled at each other.
And therefore they weren’t listening to each other.
This is not helpful for a loving, connected family-which is what we aim to grow in our house!
So I got really intentional, sat down and thought about what I want our kids to stand for, to understand and to value as part of our family.
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Then, I looked at what I had been promoting through yelling. (I do a lot of other good stuff-but this was my pain point!)
No matter how uncomfortable it made me, I realised that the message my kids were getting was:
- ‘the louder you are, the more you should be heard’, and
- ‘if you yell, you’re in charge’.
Well, that boiled it right down.
Yes, my husband and I have the authority in our house, but we shouldn’t need to yell all the time to get it.
That just leaves us in the glazed-over eyes of our children,right?
And as for being heard more? Only physically.
When we yell, it silences our message, remember?
So my main takeaways from this?
1: I needed to work on my yelling habit.
I don't know about you, but I didn't want to yell any more. (Now I only very occasionally yell when I'm really frustrated)
Another bonus-my kids don't look at me with shock all the time like they used to, either. And yes, they still are happy, outgoing and well-balanced kids with a much more well-balanced Mama!
2: My kids will ‘calm their farms’ as I calm mine.
The emotional state of my house is driven essentially by me. Therefore I need to promote calm, not chaos.
THIS is hard.
Now I’ve started the hard part-stopping the yelling.
I stopped yelling at my kids and discovered there is a better way.
Bring on the calmer, better listener in me. And, by default, my kids.
Do you have any story about yelling at your kids? Pop it in the comments below and I’ll reply!
