Toddler Discipline Strategies That will actually help you in your gentle parenting journey
Have you ever needed to implement some toddler discipline strategies, but just not known how to?
Or even yelled and sent your child to time out, then realised that this was a totally inappropriate consequence which didn't teach your child anything?
Implementing toddler discipline strategies with your small child is a steep learning curve for us as parents.
Parents often feel guilty, overwhelmed, often emotional and completely out of their depth.
Have you ever felt like this?
Smart Mama Smart Kids Parenting: Toddler discipline strategies to help you be a positive parent for your two year old. Terrible twos can present many behaviour management challenges, but using these toddler behaviour management strategies is a good way to start! #parenting #toddlerhood #toddlerfashion #twoyearold
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Many conversations begin around toddler discipline (or the lack of it) when the first child in a family reaches 18 months to 2 years old. This could be the parent asking for ideas, or sometimes the feeling of being judged by grandparents or other parents in the community, for not disciplining your child as they might expect.
So why should toddlers be disciplined?
As we get started - HELLO! I’m a mum of three, gentle parenting and mum emotional health coach at Peaceful Living with Miranda! I hope you enjoy my content and that if you want some support or someone to help out with your mum emotions (or parenting, and family wellbeing at all), that you will click here on my Emotional Health Bookings page to find out how to get started. Don’t be a stranger! Meanwhile, on with toddler discipline strategies…
Let's start by revising the word 'discipline'.
It can be identified with the word 'punishment', but the two words do NOT mean the same thing.
Discipline means to shepherd or to teach, to guide along the way someone should go.
Punishment is to be punished for something already committed-to inflict a type of 'pain' in order to repay for what a child may have done.
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Discipline is what a teacher in this day and age, can often do effectively.
(IE: you did not finish your homework, therefore you will be finishing it at lunchtime today. This is not a punishment, but teaching the child that they need to do the work, regardless of if they do it when they need to or not.)
Punishment, however, is what happens when we try to 'repay' our kids for being kids-to 'show them' that they won't try that again for fear of what we will do to them.
Is this really the sort of parent you want to be?
Using punishment rather than well-thought out discipline strategies generally goes against the idea of positive parenting, as it can cause more harm to the child than good.
Smart Mama Smart Kids Parenting: Toddler discipline strategies to help you be a positive parent for your two year old. Terrible twos can present many behaviour management challenges, but using these toddler behaviour management strategies is a good way to start! #parenting #toddlerhood #toddlerfashion #twoyearold
So how can I discipline my toddler in a constructive way?
When toddlers do something (or 'things') that are super annoying or even dangerous, we need to address what is happening as soon as possible.
Don't miss this cute checklist to help your child drink more water!
This leads into my first strategy:
1: Give your child empathy and understanding by reacting with respect.
This should always be our first intention-and often many parents don't intend to react emotionally or intimidate their child.
Don't get me wrong, it can be incredibly hard, especially if you also have a new baby too, which can often happen when a first child is this age.
Creating that respect with your child by showing them respect is ESSENTIAL for the connection and bond between you.
Demonstrating respect while you discipline your child is very, very important. It means you are less likely to go over the boundaries of positive parenting into the 'punishment' territory.
However, don't feel guilty for how you may have parented before, even if you don't feel you respected your child.
It's up to you to be the best parent you can be, from this point on.
Respecting our child doesn't mean we don't teach them about their role in the world, or their need to be considerate and respect others.
That's where the discipline comes in-and teaching, guiding and correcting can be done with respect.
For instance, if your child has hit another child, it is NOT respectful to come in and shame them in front of that child, saying something like:
'What a horrible little kid you are. Freddy won't like you after this. Who would?You can pick up all his mess now, while he watches.'
This is totally over the top and unneeded! This is not the type of toddler discipline strategy to build a positive relationship with your child.
It is attacking the child's character and imposing a harsh punishment on them, for doing something that most toddlers do while they are trying to work out their place in the world socially.
A respectful response could be:
'(child's name), we don't hit other people! That wasn't very nice! Let's say sorry to Freddy now, thanks. It might be a good idea to play over here near me for a bit.'
Can you see how the second option was more positive and did not attack the child in a personal way?
It still resolved the problem, but kept everyone's self-respect intact, everybody was kept safe and the parent/child relationship was not damaged at all.
Yet the parent still regained authority and the child learnt a lesson on what might happen if he hurts others-without the residual hurt and name calling from his parent.
Read my post about 'How to Teach your Small Child to Respect you' here!
2: Take your child's developmental stage into account and ensure they understand what they've done.
Firstly, this strategy in NO way means making your child feel overly shamed or being 'paid back', but means if the child is being disciplined for something they need to properly understand why!
It is SO important to understand what your child...understands.
There is no point putting a toddler of age 2, in time in (in the same room) for 15 long minutes, or taking away their toys for the rest of the week.
They just do not get it-and it is almost impossible for a child of that age to actually sit still for that long, regardless!
https://youtu.be/Z1WgCvJLxfk
These discipline tactics are both OK to use, but they need to be developmentally appropriate if we choose to use them with our child.
I'll expand more on these strategies further on in this post.
Listening to our child's needs and developmental awareness is extremely important.
Why?
It means we are not disciplining our child for a simple accident that is developmentally appropriate, like spilling the milk or making a mess while playing.
This also means we are aware of our child's human-ness and fact that we all make mistakes
We are not putting unrealistic expectations onto our little one, which means they are less likely to have such a people-pleasing attitude as they grow
We can help them save face and show them we are here to teach and guide, not inflict ridiculous consequences on them
3: Practical Toddler Discipline Strategies
There are many toddler discipline strategies out there, but not all are respectful or developmentally appropriate.
Before trying these, please consider what your child is doing and if they intentionally did so.
Time IN:
At our house we have always used Time In strategy for our small kids when they really need to understand we are serious.
We have a space in our kitchen (it is a corner, but that's just because they are out of the way) where the child is sat down and I pop a timer on. They are not allowed to leave until the timer goes off.
This strategy is intended to
remove the child from an inflammatory situation
quickly restore calm to most of the household (ie the other children who are being provoked or annoyed)
show the child that we are serious enough to DO something to stop their unwanted behaviour
keep the child close rather than banish them away from their parent
The first question I get when discussing this strategy is this:
'What do you do when they won't stay there?'
To be honest, this was something I wondered when my eldest was first in time in.
But we started this with a Portable crib or cot like these ones when she was 18 months old. She would be in the cot, which has mesh sides (so important, as she could see us) where we could see her and she could see us, but we would ignore her for a minute or talk if she was calm.
This child is strong willed but understands she is not to leave, now.
If your child is too big already to be in a playpen or portacot, then you may have to sit with them in time in for that time.
It's one of those things we have to do to be a proactive, connected and positive parent.
We have to do what is best for our child's development and learning, now-and it will go so much better for all of the household if a parent is consistent and loving and firm when a child is young.
My second practical strategy is taking away something the child wants.
Kids are often misusing a toy or furniture, right? This is something we address in our house, as although we are quite laid back and help our children achieve their inventive ideas, we obviously need to step in when it comes to physical danger!
Jumping on the couch, for instance, is something typical of toddlers. But the danger from this is very real-many a child has come off a couch and really hurt themselves-let alone the damage to the actual couch or sofa!
In our house we use logical and natural consequences.
These are easy once you understand how they work.
'Stop jumping, please! If you are jumping on the couch, you will have to sit on the floor.'
*insert eye roll*
I know it's SO boring, but it works! When you follow through with this you will find it works after awhile.
Pick your toddler up and sit them on the floor. 'No more couch/sofa at the moment.'
End of discussion. Walk away or take the child with you, to save the temptation to do it again, and remove a power struggle from the situation.
See here for my popular post 'How to set Boundaries for your Toddler or Preschooler'.
Taking away an inappropriately-used toy is also a classic parenting move.
But good toddler discipline strategies must also be respectful (guiding and loving) and developmentally appropriate, remember?
So taking away a toy is fine, but try it for ten minutes-or even five if the child is really wanting it back.
The toddler Toolbox
This will make your point but not abuse your child's trust in you.
The key to successfully using any toddler discipline strategies is to look at the child's behaviour and the consequences/discipline you intend to employ through the two principles outlined above:
Is it developmentally appropriate (the behaviour) and also the intended consequence? Will my child understand why this is happening, so they will understand why this isn't allowed in our house?
Is this consequence or discipline strategy something that respects their rights as a person-is not physically or emotionally abusive, addresses the behaviour while NOT 'putting down' the child's character?
And, adding a third worthwhile question:
Does this discipline strategy work, if I've tried it before?
If it's worked before, try it again, assuming it fits the above criteria.
Using these Toddler discipline strategies takes time, patience and lots of love and empathy for your child.
But remember, we are there to teach, guide and help our child learn how to live their best life. It requires us to have discipline and lots and lots of patience and stamina to follow through too!
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