When your high expectations can be bad for your child

High expectations can be bad for your child, especially when we as parents do not stop and think about what we are actually expecting.

Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links, and I may receive a small commission (at no cost to you) if you click on them. Thanks!

When we do spend time carefully thinking about what we expect from our kids, and act accordingly, this can be really helpful, and in fact can guide your parenting when you go through those hard time when you don’t know what you’re doing.

But how do you know when your high expectations might be bad for your child and their development?

One of the most popular questions I am asked as a coach, is ‘How do I know what to expect of them'?’. There are also many people who don’t realise that they are expecting way too much of a small child - and therefore I end up having this conversation with them anyway. It’s so important that we get this right as much as we can, but I also understand that it can be super hard being a mother. Those limiting beliefs are often in the works from our own childhood, too!

Are your high expectations too high for your child?

Mostly, high expectations are an amazing tool to help your child learn motivation, time management, hygiene… the list is endless.

High expectations overall, are ESSENTIAL if you’re parenting your child to be a thriving, independent and interdependent member of adult society (in the end), who can look after themselves and be emotional intelligent- even successful.

BUT..

Expectations are great- until they’re TOO HIGH.

Unachievable high expectations are actually just as bad as low ones- because the child feels they never live up to what we want as parents.

Many a movie has portrayed a child-turned-adult who has a ‘showdown’ with their parents due to feeling critiques and ‘never living up to’ their parent’s expectations.

Maybe you even feel that way yourself.

Self care was never so simple! Grab one of these shower steamer packs on Amazon and have a long, relaxing shower!

The success-motivation cycle

It’s important to understand that as a child achieves success, this impact their motivation greatly. If we have to keep trying at our job (which requires impossible things from us) and our boss is constantly not happy with however much we have done; we will, over time, lose motivation, right?

It’s exactly the same for our kids. If you just want them to get a certain level of achievement, it can take away from the effort they have invested.

In other words, while it is great to have high expectations for your kids, let’s make sure we’re praising effort, not just the end goal. In this way, the journey is totally better (and more effective) than just the destination.

Not just for your child’s learning or achievement, but your relationship with your child - which I’m sure you want to build with love, connection and respect.

Some signs that your expectations might be a little too high may include:

a disgruntled child
you seem to hear yourself constantly on their back about things they need to do (some of this is a natural part of parenting, mind you!)
The child starts to become anxious, feel ‘sick’ often, and
they often become unsure or less confident in themselves.

This lowering of confidence is something many of us Mums can relate to, simply because we know what it’s like to try and do more than we are capable of doing properly.

Always wanted to create your own planners? These templates are drop-dead gorgeous - all your clients or attendees will swoon!

This leads to ‘feeling like a failure’ and then feeling like we may not be able to complete even our ‘easy’ tasks properly either

Do you feel like this yourself, right now?

According to the Victorian Early Years Learning and Development Framework,

‘Children’s motivation to learn is influenced by the expectations of important people in their lives.’

And also-

‘Early childhood professionals...value children’s strengths and differences and communicate high expectations to them.’

So having high expectations of our kids is excellent, in fact necessary for their optimum development.

But it’s also important that we take our child’s strengths and differences into account, and don’t overwhelm them by expecting something too hard or involved.

Our expectations on a child will often differ from that on another child, simply because they are at different levels of development or understanding.

Putting one set of high expectations onto a different child can bring about the symptoms we discussed before- anxiety, lower confidence and a feeling of constantly failing those who are most important to them.

This can result in (very) emotional moments, and even traumatic experiences as your child grows - and if you have been wondering why your own emotional outbursts or struggles are so intense, this might be part of the reason.

We’ve all seen ‘those’ movies, right, when the dad or mum are just never actually pleased with what their child does? This can be the result of having certain expectations for the older, more academic child - and then expecting those same expectations to be met by the subsequent children.

Is your toddler or preschooler throwing BIG tantrums, and you don’t know how to help them? The Emotionally Equipped Child ecourse is simple and has both parent information and 4 x activities to do with your child to boost emotional regulation and intelligence. Super simple, and self-paced. Access it here on Udemy for a one-time value-packed price!

THAT’s when your high expectations of your child can hinder them, rather than help.

Let's help our kids feel positive, motivated and KNOW they are loved unconditionally, by allowing our expectations to reflect that.

If you feel like you didn’t get this from your parents, and you are reacting and acting from this place, you might struggle with the expectations, motivation and life satisfaction yourself.

The success-motivation cycle is integral to this progress. If you want to dig a little deeper into why you overreact-without a crazy obligation for a bunch of sessions - click here to find out more about my 30% new client offer - only 2 x 50-minute Zoom sessions unless you choose more!