The 1 thing you should never let your child hear
Being a Mama is hard, right, but there is one thing you should never let your child hear.....
Kids, as most parents know, are always listening.
(That is, until we really need them to!)
I’m an auditory learner (meaning I learn through listeningmost effectively) and I remember hearing many things adults around me did notprobably intend me to hear-about all sorts of things!
It’s safe to assume your children, by age 2.5-3, CAN actually understand many inferences, sentences and phrases from your own adult conversations around them.
(They can understand you talking directly to them, much earlier-see 'How to Teach your Toddler to Communicate')
So why is this important to you as a parent?
One of the most common things I see parents do, is talk ABOUT their child while their child is present.
To someone else, another adult.
This happens with many different ages of child, and I will never say I personally haven’t done this, as I think every parent has.
However it pays to try and never let my child hear any negative comments I just ‘have to’ say; especially because of the consequential impacts this can have on their own mental health, identity and self-worth.
Imagine this scenario:
You are talking to a friend when a friend stands around the corner and, clearly not realising you are there, starts outlining many of your negative qualities to someone.
You feel your ears going red, and you start to get angry and tearful all at once.
Surely you aren’t THAT much of a burden to them! They are talking as though you are just an annoyance, rather than a cherished friend.
How would YOU feel in this circumstance?
It’s hard to see how we act from our child’s point of view sometimes, but it can come across exactly like this.
Your child could possibly be thinking any of the below thoughts:
Why is Mum talking about me like that?
I thought I was doing a good job…
I thought she loved me doing that.
I am NOT little now! I wish Mum would stop talking about me like I was!
There are 3 main reasons parents talk about their child in a negative way (other than talking directly to the child, which is different):
1: The parent does not see the child as ‘old enough’ to realise what they are saying about them-or assumes they don’t care.
Don't miss this recent post, 'How to teach your Toddler to Share'!
As previously said, I see kids understanding their parents' discussions about other things by the time they are 2.5 years old.
If you are talking about them, surely their ears attune even more to your conversation and they are likely to hear at least part of what you say- and the tone you say it in.
2: The parent is seeking advice from the other parent theyare talking to.
This is a legitimate need. It is right for parents to talk aboutthings and ‘troubleshoot’ their kids behaviour, routine and friendshipstogether. This is called ‘community’ and can be very helpful.
However if this consistently takes the form of negative talk about your child, it can create an unhelpful view of your child in your own mind, and therefore influences your interactions with them.
What we focus on in our children is often what they become.
Grab this cute kids gratitude journal from Amazon! For children aged 5-12.
3: The parent just ‘needs to vent’.
Now, do you ‘vent’ about your husband or wife in theirpresence?
Would you feel great about someone ‘letting off steam’ aboutyou, when you are standing there?
I cannot say this clearly enough (and again, I am notinnocent in this but try very hard not to let my children see or hear):
‘Venting’ about your child can be extremely damaging to their sense of self worth, self esteem and self confidence.
You are your child’s biggest encourager, their safe place.
What lasting effect could this have on them? We all have words from others which have been remembered after many years. Those ones that come back to haunt us at certain moments, like a ringing voice in our heads.
We do NOT want to be the one who has put those negative words in our child’s brain to ring out long after they grow up.
Never let your child hear you putting them down for either naughtiness or failure- especially in public.
So what should we do when we need to discuss something about our child?
It’s as simple as this.
Hold your tongue, speak words of LIFE only, and discuss the struggles and issues your child is having within a very select circle, at another time or through a private message.
It takes practice and we all go through moments when we fail at this!
But your child will see a more positive side of you and themselves, as a result of you, and me, holding our tongues.
It will make a huge difference in your connection with your child, if you never let your child hear you speaking negatively about them-and you'll be surprised at the difference you will feel in your attitude towards them, too.
I am a parenting coach, stress and emotional wellbeing coach for mums.
I want to see parents of young children feel empowered and confident; and deal with their stress so they can be the parents you want to be (and so our kids don’t have to grow up so stressed themselves!) I hold workshops and courses intended to provide parents with strategies and practical ideas on connecting with their child, and practical stress-management and emotional regulation for mums.
