How to Stop Back Talk in Small Kids

One of the big questions every parent has as their child grows, is how to stop back talk.

We can feel frustrated, angered, embarrassed and saddened by the fact our child chooses to talk back to us-but how can we stop it?

This article will cover 3 ways to understand why your child might be showing so much back talk in the first place, and also some ideas on how to minimise the back talk while your children are still small, helping you get off on the right foot before your child gets much older (and the back talk really gets out of hand!)

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(Hi, by the way! I’m Miranda, an experienced teacher, Christian mum, emotional health coach and gentle parenting consultant. I’m in Australia, and it’s lovely to meet you! Find out more about what I do, and how to join me, here!)

What even is back talk?

This is when children talk back to their parents, in a rude way.

It often includes sharp, pointed retorts, refusals to comply, unhelpful comments and snide remarks.

While many children do this as they grow (teenagers are well known for it), small children can become more independent without needing to be rude. (and so can teenagers, too).

Stopping back talk involves the child learning self-control, and in our case as parents, showing it and teaching it to our children.

Just a quick mention before we continue, too:

'My two year old is telling me No. Is this back talk?'

Something I come across (very) often are lovely, well-meaning parents who can sometimes forget how young their child actually is. Developmentally, a two year old and even early three year old say 'No' quite often. While this can be considered back talk, it's normal. A good way to manage this is teaching them something else to say.

I always asked my kids to say 'No, thanks', and if they were refusing me at that age, depending on what they were being asked to do, I'd say 'No, we don't say no to Mama. Let me help you and we'll do it together.'

Read my short ebook here: Stop Mum Guilt!

Let's get more into how to stop back talk in 3 years and up.

When we want to know how to stop back talk, this mean we need to understand how our child works and why they might be giving us back talk in the first place.

So, in the case of back talk, there are a few possible things going on:

1: Your child could be HALTS.

There is always something going on when your child, be they big or small, are struggling. It's always best to think about these options first in any behavioural or emotional moment with your child.

Read how to manage a 4-5 year old tantrum here>>

If your child is struggling with these underlying stressors, it's OK to have compassion on where they're at, and do your best to love them by helping them fill up these things.

Give them some food, stop and read a story, or have a long cuddle.

Any of these can really help a small child feel better in themselves, and therefore can stop back talk in it's tracks.

2: Your child may be feeling powerless.

Just like adults, children have a need to feel powerful in their daily life. It's integral to a healthy, developing person to feel like they have choices, age appropriately and (of course) within limits when they're young.

Even us adults have to feel like we can make a change, make a difference in our own lives when we need to.

If your child feels powerless, especially at a time of increasing independence at age 4 or 5 and up, they can really broadcast their frustration through back talk.

To stop back talk if your child is feeling powerless, simply give them some power.

BUT, it must be within these guidelines:

Don't give them power in what they are backtalking about. In other words, at least at that moment, don't give in-or they may think they caused you to do so.
Give them some power but within your own limits. ie: 'You can choose whether to feed the dog and cat, or to take all the dirty clothes to the laundry.' (Not 'You can choose what you want to do.')
They want to feel like they are in control of their lives, so responsibility is great! But don't overload them.

This is not about ‘teaching them a lesson’. This is about being generous and understanding that your child needs to feel more in control of their own life and decisions.

(Common at age 3, 5, 7, 8, and pretty much every age after that. Always.)

Learn how to teach your child independence here!>>>

3: They may be feeling misunderstood.

Anyone gets disgruntled when they feel like others just don't understand them. It's challenging for both the parent and the child. The child feels misunderstood, the parent feels frustrated because they thought they did understand, and now the child is back talking them!

Anyone else been in this situation?

Here's what you can try:

Stop.

Ask them these questions, or something similar:

"Did I misunderstand you, sweetie?"

"I'm sorry, I thought you meant xxxxx. Was that not what you meant?"

"I'll sit here and let you tell me exactly what you meant. It's OK, we're not in a rush."

It's imperative you watch your tone at these times, because if there is any ounce of attitude or condescending tone coming from you, all bets are off and the child will not let their defences (or backtalk) down.

In fact, they may not let them down anyway, but it's great to try and be relatable. It's important!

Want to understand your emotional three year old better - and give them some real, on-the-ground tips for building emotional regulation? Emotionally Equipped Child simple course for mums >>

But what if my child continues backtalking?

Need help growing your nails?

If you feel like you have assessed all these reasons why your child is back talking, it's OK.

Kids backtalk. It's a part of their growing.

However, you don't have to listen to it-unless you are trying to work something out (see above).

I find 'I want to listen to you, but I can't do that unless you are respectful' is a great response.

'I don't let people talk to me badly. Let me know when you're ready to talk properly, and I'll be here to help.'

'I am OK with you being angry, sad, or needing to vent-but I don't want to be treated badly. I treat you with respect, I would like you to do the same please.'

In conclusion, back talking is just another part of child development-but there are many ways to combat it without being overwhelmed or (too) frustrated.

Try one of these strategies today if you can!